So what do I do?

I feel my heart breaking. 

It is not a simple cut or scratch or tear, but a rift being drawn through the middle of my heart.

I have never been much of a downtown type of person. In fact, the idea of being downtown has always scared me. I remember back in high school having a homeless man try to kiss my on the 16^th street mall and how scared that left me of the entire city for years (that and my complete lack of direction, I get lost way too easy).

Recently I have started spending a whole lot more time downtown, it probably has something to do with getting a job right off of 16^th.  And suddenly something that I have always known about but never really saw started to look me straight in the face. You see instead of seeing the homeless from inside my car on the street corner. Now they are right next to me, asking for help.

So what do I do?

Today I walked by a man, his head was bleeding and he kept mumbling to himself about how evil this city is and how he wished he had never came.

So what do I do?

Last week I had a man come up to me and tell me about how he just got out of prison and just needed a couple of dollars so that he could spend the night in a shelter. He said he would normally earn the money by begging on the corner but he was at his required psych appointment and just needed a helping hand.

So what do I do?

My heart breaks because I want to help so badly. I long to offer a meal or a hot cup of coffee. To sit down and have a conversation with them, hear their life story. But somehow I keep wrapped up in my daily life, in my wants and desires and needs that I pretend that I’m in my car that I don’t see them and will keep on going.

So what do I do?

For now, I’m going to pray, and I think I’m going to try to find a local shelter or soup kitchen to volunteer at. And not something just to appease these feelings of guilt, but something that really can make a difference in lives, both theirs and mine.  

Feeling at odds

Sometimes I feel at odds with myself.

All around me I hear the world telling me that I am woman hear me roar. That I am capable of doing anything I want. I am strong and powerful. I am bold and get what I want.

I have also heard over and over again about how a good Christian woman is one who quiet and sincere. A woman who puts the needs of all others before their own. Someone who is selfless and obedient.

I feel at odds. I pride myself as being strong but caring. Beautiful but unafraid to get dirty. Powerful yet obedient. So I feel at odds, but I'm not really sure that I should. When I read through the Bible I see
Ruth and I feel that she was at odds to.

So you see in all honesty I want to be Ruth. You see she was a woman of selflessness. Even though she had no legal responsibility to follow her mother in law, she did it anyways. She was a woman of strength. She then went to the fields and gleaned to feed both her and her mother in law. She was a woman of obedience. When her mother in law told her of a way to talk to Boaz she did exactly what she was told. She was bold. She went and lied down at Boaz's feet as a sign that she wanted to marry him.

So maybe I don't have to be at odds but to embrace who God has meant me to be.

Because I am:
Strong
Beautiful
Loving
Sarcastic
Growing
Caring
Creative
Hopeful