So what do I do?

I feel my heart breaking. 

It is not a simple cut or scratch or tear, but a rift being drawn through the middle of my heart.

I have never been much of a downtown type of person. In fact, the idea of being downtown has always scared me. I remember back in high school having a homeless man try to kiss my on the 16^th street mall and how scared that left me of the entire city for years (that and my complete lack of direction, I get lost way too easy).

Recently I have started spending a whole lot more time downtown, it probably has something to do with getting a job right off of 16^th.  And suddenly something that I have always known about but never really saw started to look me straight in the face. You see instead of seeing the homeless from inside my car on the street corner. Now they are right next to me, asking for help.

So what do I do?

Today I walked by a man, his head was bleeding and he kept mumbling to himself about how evil this city is and how he wished he had never came.

So what do I do?

Last week I had a man come up to me and tell me about how he just got out of prison and just needed a couple of dollars so that he could spend the night in a shelter. He said he would normally earn the money by begging on the corner but he was at his required psych appointment and just needed a helping hand.

So what do I do?

My heart breaks because I want to help so badly. I long to offer a meal or a hot cup of coffee. To sit down and have a conversation with them, hear their life story. But somehow I keep wrapped up in my daily life, in my wants and desires and needs that I pretend that I’m in my car that I don’t see them and will keep on going.

So what do I do?

For now, I’m going to pray, and I think I’m going to try to find a local shelter or soup kitchen to volunteer at. And not something just to appease these feelings of guilt, but something that really can make a difference in lives, both theirs and mine.  

A blessing and not a curse

It is interesting to see how the old Greek myths and the Old Testament have a very similar account of the creation of the world. They both begin with the heaven and the earth made in sequence, ending in the creation of man. But there is where their similarities depart. The Old Testament talks about how God made Eve to be a gift to Adam, his helper and companion. The ancient Greeks however taught that woman was made to punish man for stealing from the gods.

It's interesting how these two thoughts speak so much into the dichotomy that I feel within me.

You see deep down in the depths of my heart I believe that God created me to be a wife and to be a mother. He created me to be a helper to stand beside and be faithful. I believe that God has created me to be someone who cares deeply about the lives of others and knowing how to encourage them.

But then I wonder, do I have the capability to be loved? Am I worthy, or will I just hurt others instead. Do I only look at my own interests or do I look at others. Am I a curse or a punishment?

I don't think that Christ sees me as a punishment or a curse but as his bride. I belong to him. He wants me to love him and love his children. He sees into the depths of my heart and wants it to be whole. He sees who I am, who I was and who I will be, and while he continues to encourage me to grow he still takes me just as I am. Even on the days that I tell him that he is not enough for me and that I want more, he lets me know that he is all I will ever need.

Maybe someday he will give me the desires of my heart, and maybe not. All I know is that to every person I encounter I want to show others that I am a blessing and not a curse.